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'Who The 'Ell Is Tauriel' by the Esgaroth Three
'Who The 'Ell Is Tauriel' by the Esgaroth Three
‘Who The ‘Ell Is Tauriel’ by the Esgaroth Three

Critics of the world, I’m afraid to say that your jobs are under threat.

Frankly, it is one thing to respond to Peter Jackson’s Hobbit trilogy with snark and glee, with pith and delight, with wisdom and wit, or even with the original Tolkein text propped up in front of you and a list of footnotes, but if you haven’t got the wherewithal to put your thoughts into song, you may find yourself struggling for an audience.

After all, no one ever finished a rousing critique of the various ways in which these films have deviated from their source material by wanting to go back and learn the chorus, and yet that’s exactly what’ll happen when you’re done with the drolly trollish “Who The ‘Ell Is Tauriel?’ by the Esgaroth Three.

It’s less a song, and more the sound of someone growling “Oi! JACKSON! You’re taking a DIABOLICAL LIBERTY!” like Jason Statham, while playing the ukulele and rocking an impressive center-parted mop.

Note: slighty ripe in the language department.

OK, let’s take it from the top, all together now!

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By Fraser McAlpine