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Firthzilla (Rex Features via AP Images)
Firthzilla (Rex Features via AP Images)
Firthzilla (Rex Features via AP Images)

Poor London. Not only has it had to suffer innumerable attacks from alien hordes, futuristic terrorists and those rotten Daleks, now the historic rafters are about to be torn up and the foundations churned by a massive Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, who emerged from the pellucid waters of the Serpentine River yesterday, laying waste to whole sections of Hyde Park and stomping his way through nearby Piccadilly with venomous intent.

That man in the boat could be heard to cry “Woe is us! We unlucky citizens of England’s capital, for we are about to be crushed by a 12 foot representation of a man from a costume drama, whose wet shirt has been painstakingly recreated in fibreglass for the purpose of advertising a new digital TV channel showing repeats of classic British drama! I weep for our sons and daughters, who shall not know a London like this again!” before falling out.

He was later found clinging to the weeds and sobbing gently, like a sleeping dog, while the monstrous effigy of one of Britain’s best acting talents rampaged around the West End, kicking shops in the face and stamping on a kitten.

Of course they’ve tidied it all up now, it was only a publicity stunt, after all.

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By Fraser McAlpine