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Just Not Cricket

When the UK version of Buzzfeed opened recently, an enterprising wag named Tom Phillips put up a fake homepage in which he imagined what a British Buzzfeed would look like. It’s a work of comic delight, and it’s here.

As you’ll see, one of the headline items is 23 Things That Are Just Not Cricket, a wonderful title, and one that just needs a blog post to go with it.

So, here it is, although I lopped 13 of them off, because showing off is also just not cricket:

1: Baseball
Just Not Cricket because: too many places to run to, not enough places you’re allowed to hit the ball to. There are no stumps, and the throwing-the-ball guy doesn’t have to bounce it off the floor before it gets to the hitting-it-with-a-stick guy. There’s probably an equal amount of faff as people swap jobs, load bases etc.

2: Wrestling
Just Not Cricket because: no bats, no ball, no stumps. Far too much physical contact between players. Also, you don’t really play out a good guys vs bad guys narrative in cricket. No more than you’d see between rival teams in any sport, in any case. Also, even though they often wear protective headgear, you can’t hit cricketers with chairs and get away with it.

3: Cutting in line
Just Not Cricket because: cricket is about knowing your place and taking your turn. We’re not animals.

4: Texting during a movie
Just Not Cricket because: the game of cricket teaches us patience and forbearance. If you cannot wait until the end of a movie to send a text message, you are not ready for a five day international.

5: Art
Just Not Cricket because: paintings just sit there for hours on end, allowing viewers to interpret their own dramas from the visual stimuli entering their eyes, much like a game of cricket does. However cricket has scores. Real scores too, not the ones you get from a panel of judges.

6: Pizza
Just Not Cricket because: almost everyone likes pizza.

6: French Cricket
Just Not Cricket because: it is French.

7: Croquet
Just Not Cricket because: the bats are wrong, the balls are made of wood and you have to hit them (them!) through hoops. Although, the games do go on  forever, the rules are opaque at best, and you do need a well-cut lawn to play on. On the plus side, not French (despite the name).

8: Croquettes
Just Not Cricket because: mashed potatoes wrapped in breadcrumbs and deep fried? Double carbs with a fat chaser? WG Grace would quit the field in disgust. (Before tucking into an entire plateful of the delicious rascals).

9: Crickets
Just Not Cricket because: what is all this business where you rub your back legs together and make music? Where is the dignity in that? It’s vulgar, common and worse, may give rise to heathen passions.

10: Buddy Holly and the Crickets
Just Not Cricket because: the songs are far, far too succinct and exciting. If cricket does have a musical equivalent, it would be one of the longer pastoral symphonies. One in which reassuring things happen for ages, and then every now and again, there’s an upset, but it’s soon over, and we’re back to rolling pleasure again.

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By Fraser McAlpine