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Propeller: Method for keeping Ms Fitzgerald upright.

As the last skim across the hidden delights of the Uxbridge English Dictionary proved to be such a hit (it’s here, if you missed it), here’s another dip into the vat of eternal delights. This time we’ve focussed our search on the letters I – P.

(Don’t worry, you’ll pick it up as you read on)

Icicle: A bicycle made by Apple.

Immunised: To be innoculated against Emus.

Impale: Alcoholic beverage for a small goblin.

Implement: Funeral dirge for a small goblin.

Important: Buy an ant from abroad.

Importune: Unable to sing properly.

Incandescent: Rolling downhill in a tin.

Increment: The opposite of excrement.

Ingnorant: To totally disregard an insect.

Insolvent: A small covered duct at the back of a shoe.

Investigator: To include a crocodilian in the New Years Honours list.

Juniper: Did you bite that woman?

Justice: Nothing other than ice.

Kaleidoscope: New traffic camera which only captures accidents.

Kingdom: A contraceptive specially made for royalty.

Kindred: Fear of one’s own family.

Knowing: Unable to fly.

Kowtow: To drag a large farm animal.

Lackadaisical: A bicycle made for one.

Lactose: A person missing two or more of the five foot digits.

Lactose Intolerant: A person who becomes very angry when missing two or more of the five foot digits.

Lavender: Someone who’s sole purpose is to destroy toilets.

Lobster: Someone addicted to throwing things.

Locomotive: A plea of insanity.

Ludicrous: What happens when you lose at ludo.

Magistrate: Madge isnt a lesbian.

Malcontent: What you find in your local shopping arcade.

Malediction: Irresistble compulsion to spend all your time in a shopping arcade.

Malinger: A person who hangs around shopping centres.

Mandrake: A mythical creature, half man half duck.

Manganese: A condition affecting the leg joints of Japanese comic artists.

Miasma: The reason I carry my inhaler.

Migrate: The speed that a Russian fighter jet travels at.

Minister: Only moving the teaspoon very slightly.

Myspace: The velocity of rodents.

Noble: Really true.

Nomad: Not at all angry.

Nostrum: Misplayed guitar chord.

Notable: A complete lack of desks.

Nudity: A song to sing when the old one gets stale and boring.

Oasis: A card player’s cry of delight.

Odyssey: A slightly stranger ocean.

Okapi; All right, a pie.

Operated: A classical music loving soft toy.

Orphanage: Anywhere between about 3 and 18, usually.

Ostracised: To be innoculated against Ostriches.

Panache: Residue in the skillet due to excessive heat.

Paperback: What a masseuse earns.

Paramedics; Two doctors.

Partridge; Just a bit of a hill.

Pearly: A bit like a pear.

Penitent; Extremely inexpensive camping equipment.

Perversion: The cat’s story.

Phantom; To waft air over a male cat.

Piccalilli: To take a flower.

Pipette: A very small pip.

Pirate: A very angry pie.

Now, go and make your own up. It’s fun!

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Filed Under: Fraser's Phrases
By Fraser McAlpine