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Welcome to a new series in which we shine a spotlight upon a unique cultural phenomenon, namely Americans pretending to be British in order to make themselves look better educated and clevererer (and stuff).

See this adorable toddler? Well, his father is from Rhode Island, and his mother is from Rhode Island, and his sister and brother are from Rhode Island, they all live in Rhode Island together and they’ve only been to England once, and that was when his dad got a job playing American Football in London – I know, it seemed far-fetched to me too – and yet this little nipper clearly thinks he’s not only British, but a black-hearted and snooty scion of the Empire to boot.

It’s almost as if his makers are suggesting that it is his evil heart, which sees him attempting matricide on several occasions, that makes him British. Which is, by the way, CHARMING.

So my question is this: what are they showing babies in kindergarten these days? Constant re-runs of My Fair Lady and Mary Poppins? A steady diet of Dickens and The Sound of Music? What happened to Barney? What kind of American baby grows up thinking he’s Rex Harrison’s younger brother Blofeld?

The weird thing is, talk to any British baby boy of equivalent age and he’ll be all “buh… buh… buh…” like 50 Cent trying to tie his shoelaces while counting up to nine.

It’s pretentious, that’s what it is:

PS: Yesyesyes his best friend is a talking dog and it’s a cartoon.
PPS: Yesyesyes he went to England with the dog in another adventure. But he was talking like that LONG before he set off. So ner.

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By Fraser McAlpine