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Why should the sci-fi fans get all the dressing-up fun? Over the summer we ran a series of articles offering suggestions as to how best to dress like any of the eleven Doctors in Doctor Who, but really, where’s the challenge in that? Frock coat, funny tie, cravat, sonic screwdriver, it’s all fairly straightforward.

So here’s a real challenge, to try and match the exact clothing specifications of a true giant of modern fashion; a man who can take seemingly everyday items and transform them into something truly unique; a stylish, self-styled chameleon of style-style stylish style.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Jeremy Clarkson.

1: Hair – Like any fashion icon, Jeremy knows the key to a strong look starts with a unique hairstyle, something that would look foolish on anyone else. Forget curly hair, that’s what Roger Daltrey and Robert Plant have. Jeremy has a dense crown of fluff that encircles his pate like a woollen halo. Bear that in mind, and you’re set.

2: Shirt – Some people save their loud shirts for the holidays. Not our Jeremy. What he tends to favor is a long sleeved, slightly-crumpled affair, either white, light blue, washed-out pink, or made of a pattern which would best be saved for the wallpaper in an oppressive, but very expensive hotel.

3: Tie – Don’t be soft. Clarksons don’t wear ties.

4: Trousers – Jeans. Always always jeans. Stonewashed but not necessarily your classic Levi 501s. The trick is to get a pair of jeans that have been worn by someone else, someone whose body shape is not the same as yours. Skin-tight, high-fashion, or low-slung with writing on, these jeans are not your friends. Again, top quality denimwear will not be required. The true Clarkson can rock a $5 pair of jeans like David Beckham on a night out.

5: Jacket – Apart from your classic black sports jacket, there are two options: leather or tweed (with the brown elbow covers), with perhaps leather’s cousin suede coming over at the weekends. Sports jacket or blouson, don’t be afraid of bold tan colors. The Clarkson favors those hues which occur most often in shoe polish: tan, black, oxblood, navy. Speaking of which…

6: Shoes – Anything from a classic brogue to one of your modern pasty-style shoes. Don’t rule out sneakers, but nothing too modern or trendy. Nothing that will cushion the sensitivity between the right foot and the gas pedal either.

To accessorise your Clarkson apparel, you’ll need a sensible leather belt, so you can tuck your shirt into your jeans, and some car keys. You’ll need to put a bit of work into the facial expression too. Spend 20 minutes a night puffing your cheeks out, until the skin becomes a little jowly (you can probably use makeup to suggest heavy shadows if this seems a little extreme, and then adopt an impatient expression. The closer you can get to looking like Droopy in a long queue, the better.

And on that bombshell, etc..

See also: How to dress like Richard Hammond.

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By Fraser McAlpine