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It’s fitting that I return the day after sexual terrorism was unleashed on the U.S.: British comedian Russell Brand hosted the MTV Video Music Awards last night and set the tongues a-wagging with his frequent references to masturbation; his suggestion that Alex Rodriguez penetrated Madonna with a baseball bat, making her feel “like a virgin” all over again; his [well-deserved] potshots at George W. Bush, whom he called a “retarded cowboy”; his [well-deserved] mockery of the Jonas Brothers‘ virginity vow; and his little verbal scuffle with American Idol winner Jordin Sparks over said mockery. (“It’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?” the sex-phobic Sparks retorted. Remind me to never buy another Jordin Sparks record.)

But Russell was a good host – charming, irreverent, and raunchy without sacrificing his British wit. And he had an edge without being cruel, a skill that most young American comedians – Sarah Silverman, I’m talking to you – have yet to master. Not everyone found him quite as alluring, but I’m thinking MTV will have him back.

On to the charts: it’s Week Five at the top for that pseudo-Sapphic Katy Perry single. Doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere anytime soon. Nothing to see here, folks…nothing to see.

By the way, I spoke to a Norwegian over the weekend who is convinced that Madcon‘s “Beggin” is the worst song in the history of mankind. No hyperbole.

1. Katy Perry – I Kissed a Girl
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Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl - Single - I Kissed a Girl Download Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”

2. Eric Prydz – Pjanoo
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Eric Prydz - Pjanoo - EP - Pjanoo (Club Mix) Download Eric Prydz’s “Pjanoo”

3. The Pussycat Dolls – When I Grow Up
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The Pussycat Dolls - When I Grow Up - Single - When I Grow Up Download The Pussycat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up”

4. Rihanna – Disturbia
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Rihanna - Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded - Disturbia Download Rihanna’s “Disturbia”

5. The Script – The Man Who Can’t Be Moved
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6. Madcon – Beggin’
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7. Kid Rock – All Summer Long
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8. Biffy Clyro – Mountains
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9. Dizzee Rascal and Calvin Harris – Dance Wiv Me
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Dizzee Rascal - Dance Wiv Me (feat. Calvin Harris & Chrome) - Single - Dance Wiv Me (feat. Calvin Harris & Chrome) [Radio Version] Download Dizzee Rascal and Calvin Harris’ “Dance Wiv Me”

10. The Verve – Love Is Noise
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The Verve - Love Is Noise - Single - Love Is Noise Download The Verve’s “Love Is Noise”

In other news:

  • Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher suffered a broken rib after being body-slammed by an audience member who jumped onstage during a concert in Toronto. BBC News has video; that looks like that hurt.

  • Thandie Newton talks about Oliver Stone casting her as Condoleezza Rice in W, in spite of the fact, as Newton notes in The Times, “she was absolutely nothing like me. She didn’t look like me; she’s a couple of decades older than me. And I’m English, for goodness’ sake.”
  • Steve Coogan has returned to stand-up comedy for the first time in a decade.(Telegraph)
  • That’s one way to be popular: NYU student Peaches Geldof provides wank material for her classmates with her new Agent Provocateur lingerie ads.(Telegraph)
  • The Sun says Catherine Tate and John Simm will be back for one of the Doctor Who specials.
  • Gavin & Stacey star Ruth Jones reveals her “secret life” to The Independent. She admits to “lack of confidence,” and she says she drives an “elk-proof” Saab. And she reveals she gave up drinking a year-and-a-half ago: “It’s given me more time to do things – I get up earlier and can drive home after parties. It saves a lot of money too! ”
  • Even Heather Mills‘ PR flak has turned on her, calling the former Ms. Paul McCartney a “bitch” and a “witch.”(Daily Mail)
  • Natasha Bedingfield is engaged; Alfie Allen is not.
  • Nice thighs on that Gordon Ramsay, no?(The Sun)
  • Victoria Beckham and Gordon Ramsay = business partners?(Mirror)
  • An Australian DJ verifies the veracity of David Beckham‘s Armani bulge. Throwing proper urinal etiquette to the wayside, Kyle Sandilands took a peek at Beckham’s tackle while they tinkled together in the toilets. His verdict: “Let’s just say he looks like he’s got it going on whether it’s happy or not.” (The Sun)
  • According to The Sun, Girls Aloud singer Nadine Coyle is dating this American NFL star.
  • The Mirror has a photo of Coyle’s bandmate, Cheryl Cole (then Tweedy), as a cherubic, slightly unibrowed 13-year-old.
  • It’s official and from the horse’s mouth: Jade Goody is a crackhead. (The Sun)
  • The hills are alive, but my love life is dead: Sound of Music star Connie Fisher has split from her hunky soldier boyfriend, saying “the show put pressure on the relationship.”(Daily Mail)
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Filed Under: MTV, Russell Brand, UK Pop Chart
By Kevin Wicks
Kevin Wicks is the founding editor of Anglophenia.