This browser is supported only in Windows 10 and above.

Oh, drama. A woman has come forward claiming she had sex with footballer Ashley Cole, who is married to Girls Aloud singer Cheryl Cole. Aimee Walton, a single mom, tells The Sun (of course) she met Ashley while he was out clubbing with his friends. For those who don’t have the stomach or interest to read the entire interview, The Sun has provided a handy bullet-point play-by-play of Ashley’s sordid trajectory that night. He allegedly:

CHATTED up girls as he downed vodka cocktails;

SLAPPED her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark;

VOMITED in a girl’s car – then said she should feel “privileged”;

MADE absurd claims that Girls Aloud singer Cheryl “didn’t mind” him cheating as long as he kept it secret, and

INTERRUPTED their sex session to be sick again.

While describing her ride on the Vomit Comet in explicit detail, Walton manages to get some disses in on Ashley’s package and physique. “He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good, despite not being very big,” she reveals. She later added: “For a footballer, I didn’t think he was in great shape. His legs weren’t that big and he wasn’t completely toned up top.”

Poor Cheryl. She had to have known the slappers would have been on her hubby like termites on a fallen tree. It begs the question: what would Tanya Turner do in this situation? Well, she’d probably already have boinked her way through the Chelsea football club, slashed the poor heffa‘s tires, filed divorce papers, and planned her wedding with the team captain by now. Too bad John Terry‘s married, but that never stopped Tanya…God, I miss Footballers Wive$.

In other news:

  • BBC NEWS goes behind-the-scenes of the set of Quantum of Solace (damn, it’s gonna be hard getting used to that title). Beware: there are spoilers.

  • Kenneth Branagh will star in a ten-part dramatic series about the Iraq war produced by Newsnight. Wait a second…a drama produced by a news show? The Times explains: “The films will examine the justification for war and failure of the United Nations and ‘tell the story of the hunt for weapons of mass destruction.’ Newsnight will follow each ten-minute episode with a discussion.”
  • The Mirror has revealed the ultimate gay-icon hookup: Geri Haliwell has been dating David Walliams on the DL, sources say. “They have been secretly dating since the New Year and nobody knows. They are very tactile with each other and he’s such a gent. Geri just can’t stop smiling.” Nor can I.
  • Ray Winstone‘s daughter stars in an “X-rated” (says The Sun) music video. Sun columnist Gordon Smart says little Jaime Winstone “had to be shielded from a copulating couple on the set of Hercules And Love Affair‘s Roman orgy-themed video.” Oh good God. Not only has she likely seen worse, she’s probably done worse. Now hasn’t she, Alfie?
  • Alex James and Alan Davies are the first guests on Lily Allen’s new chat show.(NME)
  • Gotta love The Sun and their hysterical headlines: “A SICK pair of vampire-loving lesbians giggled as a court was told how their schoolgirl victim took half-an-hour to die.”
  • Prince Edward‘s newborn son is in the hospital with a “mystery illness.”(Contact Music)
  • Dame Helen Mirren was majorly miffed that producers of a U.S. remake of Prime Suspect didn’t consider her to play an American Jane Tennison. “There was once going to be an American version of Prime Suspect and my name was at the bottom of the list to play Jane Tennison. I was so furious, I am Jane Tennison!” I’m sure Sharon Lawrence begs to differ, but she’d, of course, be wrong.(Contact Music)
Read More
By Kevin Wicks
Kevin Wicks is the founding editor of Anglophenia.