Jonah Ray: Resident Zombie Expert

Hello, friends! Jonah Ray here. I’ve been asked to do a wee bit o’ blogging for this next episode of “The Nerdist.”

“But, why? You are my least favorite of the trio!” BELIEVE ME I KNOW! But, that doesn’t stop me from continuing forward like the mighty Zombie. Ooh! What a great, and forced moment, for a segue into what this episode is all about: ZOMBIES.

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Now, I’ve been a zombie fan for a very long time. Longer than some of the ages of “Nerdist” Fans.  They are very near and dear to my tasty heart. Most consider me the resident “zombie expert” or “Zedspurt” of the good ship nerdy. TRUE! There are people that know more than me when it comes to the cinematic history of the undead, but what does that matter? I’m the one talking about it now so shut yo’ moufff!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get angry. You just get me so worked up sometimes and I can’t control myself. It’s like I have the “rage virus” in “28 Days Later.” Now see what I did there? I cleverly pointed out that “28 Days Later” is NOT a zombie movie. It is a movie about an outbreak of a virus that causes people to “get gnarly” and kill other people. To be a zombie you must first die. You have to die and then come back as a reanimated corpse hell bent on eating the living. Again, realize that I said “eating the living” and not “eating the living’s brains”.  Zombies don’t discern which type of flesh they are chomping on…flesh is flesh is flesh.

I’m what you’d call a certain type of zombie purist. A “New Brooksian Romero” zombie fan. Meaning, I go by the rules set up by George Romero in the original “Dead” series and then later solidified by Max Brooks in the book “The Zombie Survival Guide”.  With one stipulation….and this is an unpopular opinion: Zombies can run. WAIT! Don’t stop reading and start writing your pithy comment, where you’ll no doubt cite Simon Pegg’s anti running zombie article. Give me a minute to explain.

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Zombies can run and here’s why I think that: When you die suddenly, you still have all the muscle mass you had when you were alive. The zombie strain will reanimate you and you will set out in search of flesh. You will, with your entire being, do whatever it takes to get a bite of a person. Seeing as how you have all of your muscle mass and rigor mortis has yet to set in, you’ll probably be sprinting towards some lively folks. But, here’s the thing, you are dead…you are not making any new cells. SO! You will not regenerate the muscle as it’s ripped up from it’s regular use. Therefore, causing the slow “zombie shuffle” that we all know and fear.

I’m getting way off topic here. THE NERDIST salute to zombies, as it were, is one of my favorite episodes we’ve done. We have the creator of my favorite comic book, “The Walking Dead,” Robert Kirkman. Robert and I have a bit of an odd relationship as I think we’re too alike. We are both the type of guys to give people crap as a way to feel comfortable and control the situation. But that’s neither here, nor there. When I got into his comic book, it was at a really weird moment in my life. I had read the first trade and fell in love with it at the same time as the girl I was seeing at the time fell out of love with me.

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Devastated after such a phone call I found myself walking to the old Atwater Village location of Meltdown Comics to buy all the Walking Deads I could. It gave me something to focus on, obsess over, and discuss with people. Believe me, I needed to talk to people about something other than the break up as they would’ve kicked me out of all those bars.

Now there’s the show, which is incredible! So, here in this episode of “The Nerdist.” you’ll get to see me geek out over “The Walking Dead,” Zombies, Michael Rooker (star of one of my favorite movies “Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer”), and we even have Karen Gillan goofing off with us in some funny bits!

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What an episode….hmmm, I think I might’ve gotten “too real” in this thing. Also, too aggressive about my thoughts on Zombies….OH WELL!