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New York: City Paved with Steam

New York City! So good they never sleep!

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Here we are in chilly New York City, the pavements (sorry, sidewalks) are piled high with snow. You have to have your wellington boots on or you’d be in bed with the flu before you know it.

Nanny always said the secret to good health was dry feet. That and having a poo and going straight to bed with a hot water bottle. Between the two I’ve never been ill a day in my life.

Almost straight away we were off to learn how to make coffee from a “hipster” in Brooklyn. Now I think these are sorts of gypsies that have made a settlement in New York. If your mother is a hipster, then you’re automatically one. Or something like that. You have to pretend to care what they think or they might put a curse on you. This is a warning to everyone to BE CAREFUL. You can’t always tell who is a hipster. Sometimes they just look like ordinary homeless people.

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Now this coffee business is very strange. It’s all loud crunching machines and hissing and steam. Like robot dragons. What’s wrong with sitting next to a nice, quiet teapot? Not to mention the instant need to empty your bowels after a few sips. Not relaxing at all.

Then after you’ve drunk it you just walk around with clenched fists waiting for someone to annoy you, which doesn’t take long in New York, let me tell you.

I nearly pushed an old lady over in a car park. She was just walking so slowly!

The woman making the coffee was a very odd sort. She kept re-using spoons even though they were just made of disposable metal, not silver. Plus she seemed to have a real bee in her bonnet in general. I think people should really lay off this coffee stuff. I’m sure it’s just a fad, but look what happened with Meow Meow…

My friend Duffy Scrutton has never been the same. Poor Duffy.

Another fad we came across was a thing called “social media.” We went to see some chaps who put people on the Internet so they can always look like they are having a nice time.

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Poppy took to this concept like a duck to water. We both signed up to something called Twitter (@GeorgeCarltonuk @PoppyCarlton) and Instagram and started sending out messages and pictures of ourselves. Daddy would not have approved. However it’s great for Brand Carlton, and I’m sure we’ll be shifting many more units of Caunty jam and apple beer.

The more units we get out of the house the more teeth Mummy has a shot at keeping.

We also got involved with a theatre group, not unlike Mother’s own, the beloved Thetford County Players. Except that these chaps all seemed to be playing people of their own race (very safe).

However, unlike Thetford’s finest, these chaps don’t bother to write a script before they go on stage. They are improv comedians. This means that they just make things up as they go along. I’m not sure I approve. Imagine if I just made up everything as I went along, instead of having Nanny tell me what to do. I probably wouldn’t have any trousers on.

Then, finally, a bit of glamour! Poppy was invited to be a model in a fashion show, in New York Couture week, no less. She tells me it’s like fashion week but they save all of their most attractive models for this one.

Ready for the runway hair. Work it girl!
Ready for the runway hair. Work it girl!

And did she look attractive! She looked absolutely wonderful, wearing a giant skirt, huge back-combed hair, a big red thing painted across her face and the final touch, a twig which she loosely held in her hand. It turned out this was for waving, which she did brilliantly. Bravo, sis!

Until next time, this is Georgie Carlton, signing off from the Big Apple.

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