In some American towns people still leave their doors unlocked. (TOH)

Brits who first arrive in the U.S. often have a false sense of security. Not only do we all speak the same language (ha!), but the houses are pretty similar too. Well, a word of warning fellow Brits — it all looks very familiar — until you attempt to do anything.

First off, many homes have air conditioning, which comes with its own set of unspoken rules. Resist the urge to throw the doors and windows open at the first hint of heat; American air conditioning (called A/C rather than air-con, btw) will be one step ahead of you and in full throttle. Opening a window is therefore akin to leaving the fridge door open and will be met with variations of “What? Are we trying to cool down the whole neighborhood?”  The question “Do you want the A/C turned down?” actually means, “Do you want this room to be even colder than it is?” since turning A/C down refers to the temp rather than the ferocity. When you wake up in the middle of the night, with chattering teeth and an ice-cream headache, resist the temptation to turn the A/C off. The room will become Hades Revisited in the blink of an eye and the A/C then has to work even harder to cool it back down.

Homes in the States often have screens on doors and windows and I have to say, nothing beats British visitors and screen doors for pure entertainment. The tendency is to forget about them and bounce straight off when trying to enter a house; one poor guest hit my screen door so hard he grazed the end of his nose and bore the scars for a week. Just a note though, as a guest, one surefire way to drive your American hosts crazy is to leave the screen doors open.

And if you want to drive yourself crazy, try switching off a ceiling fan/central light combo when you go to bed. Basically, the fan can be controlled by the regular switch on the wall or by a chain hanging from the fixture itself. The lights above or below the fan are also controlled this way, and often by an additional switch elsewhere in the room — next to the bed, for example. You have more chance of winning the lottery than of both light and fan simultaneously coming on when you first hit the wall switch, and thus begins the dance.

Which chain goes to what? (FIF)

Usually the fan goes on, but not the light, which means you have to walk to the center of the room and pull one of the chains; the chain you pull will turn the fan off, but you won’t notice till you’re back at the wall switch and the blades have begun to slow down. Now you can’t remember which chain you pulled so you go back and pull a few at random. Something activates the light, so now you have a light on but no fan and you’re not quite sure which chain you pulled to turn the light on. (It often helps to have a two-man team at this point — one at the wall and one pulling the chains.)

Incidentally, some homeowners also use their ceiling fans in the winter to push warmer air back down into the room. As this useful website explains, the blades should move in a counter-clockwise direction in summer and clockwise in winter.

Many kitchen sinks contain a handy dandy waste disposal, down which you can throw all your food waste and prevent it stinking up the kitchen. Make sure to check that it actually is a waste disposal before you do this, as some sinks have large plugholes masquerading as disposals. Not everything can be tossed down there mind you, so here’s a useful list of do’s and don’ts. The main thing to remember is to run cold water when disposing of food, and keep it on for 30 to 60 seconds after you’ve finished. Without wishing to state the obvious, never put your hand down there until it’s switched off and the (very sharp) blades have come to a complete stop. Also, if you hear an odd, clanging noise coming from the depths of the disposal, switch it off immediately — they tend not to like forks and other hard objects getting in there.

Oh, and the banging noise coming from the kitchen in the dead of night? Probably the ice-maker in the fridge.

SEE ALSO:
10 Things Brits Say… and What Americans Think We Mean
10 Ways to Use Britishness to Get What You Want in America
How to Explain Britishness to an American
Gosh, Sorry: Over-apologetic Brits in America
Summer in the United States: Not Always a Picnic

Your future someone could be just one click away. (BB)

When I arrived as a Brit to New York, I had a boyfriend back home at the time, so navigating the NYC dating scene wasn’t one of those things that appeared on my list of questions to fellow transplants. However, when it became a matter that I needed to tackle, I quickly realized that dating in NYC was a whole other ball game.

Unlike London where guys do not make a habit of chatting you up at a bar (they’re a little shy), American boys are very confident in this arena. Here, it’s common for me to be asked if I would like a drink or for my phone number in a bar; sometimes my friends and I joke around to see who will amass the largest collection in that evening. Meeting potential dates in bars always makes for an entertaining night; however it’s also not the most efficient way of meeting a potential suitor. For instance, I’ve still got a long way to go before I initiate a conversation with a guy I fancy.

Secondly, alcohol can affect perception of reality on both parts, which is why I thought I would take up the highly suggested route of online dating. Coming from the U.K. where the subject is still very taboo, I was told by a British male friend of mine to “just get over it and get on it.” It wasn’t too difficult to decide on which to site to register. I figured if my good-looking friend had tried out OkCupid then that’s enough for me. Plus, it’s free.

I was excited but also nervous about dating online. Are the people normal? Will somebody stop me on the street because they recognize me from my online profile? What do I talk to somebody about when I go on a date — what if they have no chat, what if I have no chat? I thought I’d share some wisdom after my first online dating experience.

Put some effort into your profile
I didn’t actually write mine, a friend did after we thought we would have some afternoon giggles. You could say that I wasn’t really getting the right type of attention. My answers were too short and irreverent, so the guys that were sending me messages were clearly not looking for something serious. So if you’re actually looking for love, make sure you don’t sound like a tool.

Pay for the upgrade in service
There are a few free dating websites out there, while I was only a member of one, it’s definitely worth paying the extra few dollars to have VIP access. Why? So you can see who is rating you highly and scan people’s profiles anonymously. The latter proves to be invaluable at avoiding unwanted attention.

Limit the number of people who know you are on a dating website
Being asked whether you have a date that night because you decided to wear your hair differently can feel as if you’re the object of everybody’s entertainment and that they’re living the good old days vicariously through you. I’ve chosen to be selective with whom I tell about my upcoming dates to avoid being the topic of office banter. I do make a point to tell at least one friend; after all, I am meeting with a complete stranger!

If there is no “chemistry” after the first date, nip it in the bud
Time is too precious in this city. Don’t waste your time going on another date if you know deep down you’re not feeling it. Your time is better spent trying to meet potential suitors in offline interactions. The first date that I went on with American Boy #1 was made slightly awkward after I was asked if he could kiss me. I hadn’t figured if I liked him or not, and secondly you don’t ask anybody if you can kiss them — you just do it. This boy lacked “swag,” I thought to myself. There wasn’t an immediate spark with American Boy #1, but I thought I would give it another try and went on a couple more dates with him after that. My feelings didn’t grow; now I’ve learned to trust my gut and not pursue something that will inevitably end soon.

I’m still not 100% convinced of the benefits of online dating; people argue that it allows you to weed out the unsuitable types, however, for me I find I become more fixated on somebody’s looks than I would normally be offline. This means I’m potentially missing out on some great guys that I could eventually grow to like because they don’t look as good on paper. I certainly would not have dated my exes if I’d just judged their suitability on paper. After dabbling in OkCupid I decided to sign up to How About We to see I’d prefer the stock on that site. Tune back in to see how that date went.

SEE ALSO: How to date in America

Have you tried online dating? Tell us about it!

With so many choices, how do you know which vitamin is right for you? (HD)

America has suffered from an obesity epidemic, so an extreme counterculture has grown up of people trying to stay healthy and trim. I happen to live in the heart of a particularly wealthy, health-obsessed metropolis, New York City, where everyone exercises and eats well, or says they do. The middle-class women here look like they’re built from sinew inlaid with fat-eating bacteria.

How they achieve this look in part comes down to the manipulation — emotional rather than physical — they receive in the gym. When I joined my local health club, I booked a personal trainer for one free “assessment.” “Why not?” I thought, if they’re offering. After five minutes spent pinching the flappy parts of my limbs with a set of metal jaws, my trainer person furrowed her brow and told me I was fat. She didn’t even bother to disguise it in friendly terms. Needless to say, I went home, ate seven brownies and cried.

This is a land where gym staff aren’t afraid to humiliate paying customers into good health. Even the people whose job it is to replace the dirty towels look at you with eyes that scream, “Those abs are a disgrace!” At the same time, they dart around the free weights trying to avoid getting clunked in the face by twig-like ladies furiously benching 900 lbs with no regard for the skulls of hovering underlings.

In London, gymming tends to be more laissez-faire, mostly through apathy. Mrs. Fat pumps the bike next to Ms. Thin, and they ignore each other. And the staff ignore both of them. In New York, judgment is rampant. I expect some fitness centers offer plans where you can pay extra to be insulted and intimidated into dropping those last few inches. And if you’re not getting enough grief in the gym, chances are your good pals will make up the shortfall. I’ve witnessed groups of friends competing over exercise regimes. Someone will boast about a new type of pilates they’ve just taken up that’s a steal at 50 bucks a session, and that’ll set someone else off on a monologue about Tibetan yoga and spinning.

Outside the gym, Americans who want to stay trim have a job on their hands. Restaurant portions are vast and supermarket food that’s labeled to look healthy often isn’t really. You need to study the ingredients like an obsessive. “Low fat” can mean “high sugar,” and the meat and dairy ooze hormones and antibiotics unless otherwise specified. The dried fruit, bread and cereal are laced liberally with sugar, often disguised as “evaporated cane juice.”  True health foods — especially snacks — are hard to find in the U.S., and they’re often excessively expensive.

Supplements, on the other hand, are sold everywhere. The choice will make your brain ache. Americans grow up taking vitamins and the practice is viewed as a shortcut to good health. When I moved here, one friend revealed to me to her favored hangover cure: Wholefoods prenatal vitamins. Now, as an actual pregnant person, I’ve fallen into the habit of taking these costly little pills for their designated purpose, but I find this just gives me an excuse to eat badly. Back home, I don’t know any women who bothered to take “prenatals” (apart from the obligatory folic acid) when they were pregnant. But they mostly ate well and didn’t have any health problems during or after their pregnancies. The vitamin business is what my aging dad (who’s never knowingly exercised or eaten a health food) would call “a racket,” and he’s not wrong.

California

A beach in the Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park. (California Department of Parks and Recreation)

Looking for other adventures near Hollywood? Brits in LA say to head over to Ojai to see the lavender and oranges the fill the air. They suggest checking out the Ojai Valley Inn if you plan on staying the night. While near L.A., they say to stop by the King’s Head in Santa Monica for a pint. About two hours east of L.A., head up into the mountains to see Big Bear Lake. It’s a great place for hiking and has small festivals throughout the summer months.

They also suggest Big Sur to camp amongst the giant sequoias. Karen F’s favorite spot is the River Inn and Brits in LA like the Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park. If you travel about three hours north, you can visit San Francisco and Alcatraz. Rich Sexton advises to book your trips to the infamous prison in advance, though, since the boat rides to the island sell out quickly.

BBC Travel says to visit Napa Valley or Sonoma to tour some vineyards. If you’re a NASCAR fan, Brits in LA and NASCAR say Sonoma is one of the best locations to catch a race in between wine tastings.

New York/New Jersey

A view in the Catskills of New York. (AP Photo/Jim McKnight)

For a little bit of the city away from the city, BBC Travel suggests going to the Hudson Valley and the Catskills. The town of Hudson, specifically, provides culture and quirkiness away from the busy streets.

Big Apple Brits suggests heading to Sag Harbor for a break from the city. While still close enough to NYC, it has a small fishing town feel.

If you want to work on your tan, head to the Jersey Shore, Cape May or Seaside Heights in New Jersey according to Nick Astbury and NYC George. Big Apple Brits says Montauk offers a great getaway on Long Island while Rich Sexton suggests Ocean Beach on Fire Island, which provides some shopping and a busy night life.

Rich Sexton also says Niagara Falls along the New York/Canada border is great but note that the surrounding area has little to offer.

New England

Boston’s skyline. (AP Photo/Robert F. Bukaty)

Joyce Chamberlain says to check out New Hampshire’s White Mountains National Forest, while Wild Duck Road suggests the Vermont shores of Lake Champlain. For those looking for a city feel, Penny Crook states that Boston is a great choice in the area.

Chicago

Taste of Chicago in the streets of the city. (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast)

Both Rich Sexton and BBC Travel say the boat tours are a must in Chicago. Sexton likes the ones that focus on Chicago’s architecture, and BBC Travel suggests Wendella Boats for tours on the Chicago River and Lake Michigan. For those looking for land adventures, Fiona Bloom says to check out Taste of Chicago.

The South

The Grand Ole Opry in Nashville, TN. (AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

Rebecca Subbiah says Folley Beach in Charleston, SC is a must, while Rich Sexton says Charleston also offers great restaurants and interesting history with Fort Sumter.

If you are looking for music, Brits in LA say Nashville has a great music scene, and New Orleans offers zydeco. While in New Orleans, Toni Hargis says to check out the Swamp Tours.

NYC George says to head to Perdido Quay in Alabama for picnics, BBQ, fishing and a beautiful state park.

For a different southern experience, head to Asheville, NC. Benjamin Browett suggest you pack your Birkenstocks.

Texas

A view of Austin from the Austin City Limits Festival. (AP Photo/Jack Plunkett)

According to Brits in LA, Austin is the place to go in Texas for a great music scene. Craig Young says to check out their festival South by Southwest and Austin City Limits. For those who don’t know, the city is dubbed the live music capital of the world.

San Antonio is another must-see according to Toni Hargis. So is the Sixth Floor Museum in Dallas. Rich Sexton says it’s a great place to learn about the JFK assassination. Hargis mentions the Southfork Ranch nearby as a good stop. Houston also has many museums worth visiting.

 The Southwest

The International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque, NM (PRNewsFoto/Albuquerque Convention and Visitors Bureau)

While in the Southwest, Mark Smith says to check out the New Mexico Balloon Fiesta in October. Brits in LA suggest making a stop in Santa Fe while in the state. Both Toni Hargis and Rich Sexton agree that the Grand Canyon is a great trip. A few hours away is Sedona, which Craig Young says is beautiful with the red rocks and spiritual energy.

The Northwest

Seattle’s EMP Museum. (AP Photo/John Froshauer)

If you’re missing Britain, head to Oregon. Brits in LA say that some parts remind them of home. While in the Northwest, Fiona Bloom says to head to Seattle to check out the EMP Museum for a look at music, sci-fi and pop culture.

Florida/Puerto Rico

Art Deco along Ocean Drive in Miami Beach. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky, File)

Miami Beach is a great place to visit for the art deco in the area according to Nick Astbury. It is also a great way to get to Puerto Rico, one of the U.S. territories. Toni Hargis and Rich Sexton say it’s beautiful and a great place to play some golf.

Middle America

A rustic getaway in Idaho. (7 Devil’s Lodge)

BBC Travel says Boise, ID is a great place to live in the states let alone visit. 7 Devils Lodge offers up an authentic western ranch experience in Idaho as well. Toni Hargis suggests Traverse City in upper Michigan as a great vacation spot.

The American Experience

The National Mall in Washington, DC. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

For a view of the colonial era and the American Revolution, Rob Pait says to head to Jamestown and Williamsburg. While near the nation’s capital, Rich Sexton says to check out the National Mall, Lincoln Memorial, and the Air & Space Museum. Atlanta, GA also has a great Civil War exhibit that’s worth checking out.

Road Trips

In Baker, the World’s Largest Thermometer en route to Las Vegas from LA. (AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill,File)

Brits in LA offers a couple different road trip options: the drive from LA to Portland, stopping in Monterey and San Francisco; a drive through San Diego, Laguna Beach, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, Big Sur and San Francisco; the four-hour drive from LA to Las Vegas, making a stop in Baker to see the world’s largest thermometer and in Primm. They also say Vegas is another great location to see a NASCAR race.

Festivals
Summer is the perfect time for festivals. Craig Young says they are just like Glastonbury minus the mud. He suggests that if you didn’t make it to Coachella, which just happened in April, try Burning Man in the Nevada Desert. The MIA Festival in Philadelphia is another great choice according to Anna Titley.

Join us May 17 at 1 p.m. on Twitter for a #MindTheChat about health care and health terminology in America.

Orlando Bloom needs to work on his bedside manner in The Good Doctor. (Fastnet Films)

As Brits quickly discover, there are huge differences between the American and British healthcare systems. For most people here, there’s no “free” health care in the U.S., but often, a mountain of paperwork involved with each doctor visit or procedure. What is not immediately appreciated is the equally huge difference in terminology, and if you’re not au fait with it, things can get quite confusing.

First of all, sick and ill have the opposite meaning. If you’re sick, you’re not necessarily throwing up; you probably have a fairly serious ailment, and lots of sympathy from friends and family. If it’s whispered that you’re very sick, you’re probably on your last legs. The action of being sick (to mean throwing up) is heard here as well. If you’re ill, on the other hand, you’re temporarily sick to your stomach and possibly heaving over a bucket. The noun sick, as in “there was sick on the carpet” isn’t used either; it’s vomit, puke, throw up, or variations thereof.

Half of the diseases and maladies you know also acquire new names in the States. Glandular fever becomes mono (short for mononucleosis) and Motor Neuron Disease is commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. Although strep (streptococcus) throat is common in both countries, it’s usually called a sore throat in the U.K. and many British doctors just leave it to disappear on its own. If you have that sore throat in the U.S., there’s a quick and simple strep test (performed by a qualified nurse or doctor) that involves sticking a giant Q-tip (cotton bud) down your throat, gagging like a two year old, then waiting 5 minutes for a yea or nay. If it’s strep and your doc decides to treat it, it’s often with a Z pack (pronounced zee pack), which is a course of antibiotics named Zithromax.  We Brits also don’t use the term staph (staphylococcal) infection quite as much as Americans, but replace it with MRSA or cellulitis and we know exactly what’s going on.

One thing I used to worry about when walking barefoot at public pools, was catching verrucas. Many Americans will think you’re referring to Veruca Salt, the character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, as they prefer the correct medical term plantar wart. Should you be unlucky enough to have a verruca, most creams will not feature the word, so look for plantar wart treatments.

And speaking of treatments, it can be very trying when you’re not feeling well and all you want is a packet of Paracetamol. They don’t sell it here (except perhaps at Brit stores), but since it’s actually a brand name for acetaminophen, you can find the same drug properties in Tylenol. If you’re looking for an ibuprofen drug, you probably won’t find Nurofen or Anadin, but you will find Motrin and Advil, which are equivalents. Oh, and anything with codeine in it isn’t sold OTC – over the counter. (This obviously, does not constitute medical advice. If in doubt consult the pharmacist on duty; these people are very knowledgeable and extremely helpful.)

Although both Brits and Americans use the word prescription, sometimes you’ll hear your doc talking about a script and if you see the letters Rx next to anything, it also refers to prescription medication. Doctor written prescriptions are, unfortunately, just as illegible in the U.S. as they are across the Pond. The person who dispenses your prescription is the pharmacist, (although I have also heard druggist) and the place where you collect or fill it, is the pharmacy or drug store; in most instances, any reference to a chemist means the person rather than the shop.

Your medical practitioners might also go by different names. Women typically see an OB/GYN for their specific requirements. These obstetrician/gynecologists are not usually referred to as gynies. The person that fiddles with your feet is a podiatrist (although the word chiropodist exists), the one that cracks your back is a chiropractor and for your eyes, you’ll most likely see an optometrist. If you have serious eye issues, you’ll be referred to an ophthalmologist, which is an eye surgeon. An optician is the person who makes or sells glasses and contact lenses.

A final word of warning: when you go to see your doctor, you go to the office and not the surgery. Telling friends and family that you’ve been to the surgery will likely give them a heart attack.

Jo Bryan is a photographer and founder of RyeExpats.com (Photo: Jo Bryan)

Starting this month, Mind the Gap, in association with Virgin Atlantic, will be highlighting British expats in the U.S. who are making notable contributions to their communities. Would you or someone you know make a fine British Expat of the Month? Submit your nomination in the form at the bottom of the piece.

Brits can be found all over the U.S., with many of them congregating in the bigger places like Los Angeles, Chicago, and, top of the heap, in New York. Manhattan is the glitzy home for plenty of expats, but there is also a surprisingly large expat community in Rye, a city in Westchester County in upstate New York.

The city may only have a population of 16,000 or so, but our British Expat of the Month Jo Bryan is one of their happy residents, having arrived here with her young family nearly eight years ago from Tunbridge Wells in Kent, after her husband Mike was transferred to the U.S. by Bank of America.

But why Rye? “When we came out to look for a rental property, I fell in love with Rye as soon as we arrived,” she told us. “Living close to the coastline and the amazing feeling of community made me feel very comfortable. It has ‘proper’ seasons with fresh clean air, blue skies and an amazing amount of sunshine throughout the year, and really, apart from the early day challenges of form filling and registering for schools, doctor, dentist, TV, phone, etc., I can’t remember anything negative to say about living here.”

Before she had children, Jo worked for several American banks in London. When her son was born 12 years ago, she got her first digital camera “and realized I could take hundreds of photos and edit them myself.” Over the past few years she’s been expanding this into a business. (Check out some of Bryan’s New York photography at her official website.)

Soon after her arrival she became involved with an expat group based in and around Rye, “I was introduced to them by a neighbor — another U.K. expat! — and took over running the group in 2007, when we had just 35 families on our membership list. We now have 153 families, mainly from the U.K., but also covering most of Europe, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa.”

Bryan notes that most families spend two to three years living in the area, though many go on to purchase a house, apply for citizenship and make the U.S. their home. The membership is an active one too, getting together every month for coffee, and holding an alternate Girls Night In/Out at a restaurant or member’s house. There is also a coffee and craft fair, a Christmas party and the end of year party, and a period in which they also fund a Christmas brunch for local seniors at the Carver Center in Port Chester, where they donate the food, cook and serve the meals, and provide gifts for all.

As the group’s membership grew, a database of information began to grow alongside it, and in 2009 Bryan decided to collate all the information into a book she called Tried & Tested. The valuable tidbits on the pages included “everything from where to buy home comforts or find a gardener, to rules on snow clearance and garbage collection and a whole section on American terminology!”

As useful as this guide book was, it quickly needed updating and was costly to produce, so the Internet came to the rescue: “I came up with the idea of a website as a central location, so I taught myself web design and built RyeExpats.com and launched it in September 2010.”

It was an immediate success and can provide answers to the top queries that new arrivals always have. “‘Where can I get decent bread?’ has to be the number one question,” she says. “Other common ones are how to apply for a driver’s license, registering for doctors, dentists, etc., how to find electricians, plumbers, general handymen and finding out the American word for something (who’d know that Pollyfilla is called Spackling here, and what on earth is a “chicken tender?”) How to get a credit card/credit score — that is also often at the top of list of concerns.”

The website isn’t designed to keep people in touch with the U.K. so much, it’s more of a guide about how to settle in the U.S. (specifically Rye and surrounding areas of course). Bryan does admit there is one thing her neighborhood lacks: “Unfortunately there aren’t any real pubs here, although I’m sure it would be hugely popular if someone wanted to open one! There are lots of bars, but there’s nothing like the real British pub.”

Like all expats she also misses the “English sense of humor and decent television programs – though now we have BBC AMERICA and others,” and she and her husband faced something common to many new families when they arrived: “Our daughter and son were 7 and 5 years old respectively, and the biggest challenge was getting them into the right grade at school, as they both started school aged four in the U.K.”

Luckily, Jo found Rye to be blessed with “an excellent education system and schools within walking distance,” and though it is one of the most expensive cities in which to buy a home, living so close to New York has its own special advantages as well: “The commute into the city is easy, and there really is nowhere like New York City! I visited many years ago and found it quite intimidating and dirty, however post-9/11 the city has been cleaned up and feels very different. In fact, I let my now-teenage daughter go a concert on her own with friends for the first time last weekend, and I’m not so sure I would have let her do that in London.”

As for the future, the website is going to be an ongoing project, with expanded sections on financial advice, real estate and rental: “The great thing about the information on the site is that everything has been recommended by members of the group, so it’s not just a kind of Yellow Pages directory. If we receive any complaints about companies on the site I can approach them and, if necessary, remove their details. So far I’ve only had to do that once!”

Finally, aside from Mind The Gap’s blog posts and of course www.ryeexpats.com, what are her own top three tips for new Brits in the U.S. — or thinking of coming to U.S.?

1. Register early for childcare (nursery/pre-school places) and check which injections (shots!) the children will need before they can attend school here.

2. Remember your electrical appliances will not work here (you can use transformers, but that’s not always recommended).

3. Join an expat group: you’ll soon find any worries or concerns fading away!

A rain soaked picnic table after an unplanned storm. (Suzicate)

I usually say that one of the great things about the U.S. is the guaranteed summer we have. There’s nothing worse than enduring months of gray drizzle or frozen tundra, only to have one fleeting week of sunshine as your summer (eh, England 2012?). Remember the Queen’s Golden Jubilee river flotilla? Yeah, that was my summer trip back home last year, where the temp hovered around 60 Fahrenheit (15.5 Celsius) for the entire month of June. Apparently I missed the “summer” which happened in March of that particular year.

In the U.S., most states have a long, hot summer, some a little too hot for me, (I’m looking at you Texas, Louisiana, Arizona, New Mexico … in fact, the southernmost parts of the country in general.) A word about those torrid, southern summers by the way: you’ll need a sweater if you go anywhere. Most inside spaces in the South are air-conditioned to arctic temps and the hairs on your arms literally stand on end. Malls, movie theaters, restaurants — take a sweater or a light jacket. You’re welcome.

What often surprises visitors to the U.S. is the unreliability of the summer weather in many parts. Anyone who’s visited Florida at that time will know that not only is it fiendishly hot, your vacation itinerary is at the mercy of torrential rain and the odd hurricane or tornado. Thunderstorms occur on about half of all summer days, and the lightning that can accompany them packs a higher than average punch.

Here in Chicago, with its legendary winters, summer can be just as brutal. Last year I returned from England’s freezing June to temperatures in the 90s (30s Celsius) and energy-sapping humidity. In 1995 (when I was 7 months pregnant and the size of a small house), there were 750 heat-related deaths in less than a week, and 2012′s record heat wave also claimed lives. I always advise visitors to the U.S. to heed the weather advice; when they tell you to stay inside and drink lots of water, don’t even question it unless you want to end up in the emergency room on an IV drip. If you’re over here in hot weather, have a gigantic headache but haven’t touched a drop of booze, you are dehydrated and need to start pounding non-alcoholic liquids.

When planning parties, the question is often either “Will it be too hot to sit outside?” or “What happens if it rains?” Assuming they have air-conditioning (called A/C here as opposed to air-con), seasoned hosts always make sure they have enough room inside their homes to accommodate all their guests. You can be sure that if you have A/C and it’s hot outside, most Americans will head indoors. If you are near standing water with its ever-present mosquito population, and of a delicate British pallor, you’ll also want to get indoors pronto and escape the pesky things.

When the summer storms begin they also cause havoc with flight schedules. Any frequent flier will tell you that you’re just as likely to be weather delayed in the summer as the winter. Although today’s planes are designed to fly safely in lightning, such weather forces ground crews to stop fueling and loading planes, leading to the delays. And while on the subject of lightning, fatalities here are commonplace. According to the Lightning Safety web site, the U.S. averages 54 deaths per year, and being under a tree is the second leading cause of lightning casualties. Every year also, herds of cows, sheltering from storms, are killed when the trees get hit by lightning, so it’s no laughing matter. When the sirens go off, get inside.

All is not lost though. It’s not unbearably hot everywhere in the summer; if you’re looking for a cooler climate this web site gives the average temps for the coolest cities, the top city being San Francisco.

Oh yes, and wear your sunscreen!

Any other tips for surviving the wet hot American summer?

“Does anyone have an extra pence? Anyone, anyone?” (TPL)

Like many Brits in America, I wax lyrical about the Mother Country, but there’s a growing list of things I don’t miss from Blighty.

Stinging nettles (Urtica dioica)
Although they’re apparently also native to the U.S., in my two plus decades here I’ve never come across one. British nettles are like stealth missiles; one minute you’re frolicking on a country lane (or picking your way through muddy puddles) and the next you’re wondering what that tingly feeling on your left leg is. The tingly feeling swiftly morphs into angry red bumps that itch beyond description and have been known to drive grown men to tears. Having children who are unfamiliar with them, walks in the English countryside usually result in me shouting like a fishwife, swiftly followed by a desperate hunt for dock leaves, which are supposed to be found next to nettles and are rumored to relieve the agony. It would probably help if I knew what a dock leaf looked like.

Dodgy summers
Last year the two-week English summer occurred in mid-March. Unfortunately I was there in June and, apart from two days at the very end, it was rainy and about 60 Fahrenheit for the entire duration. I’m sorry, I should be used to it, but it’s very disappointing to shell out for flights for the family and then have to spend the entire month rearranging plans, staying indoors and shivering on “long country walks.” I feel even sorrier for everyone who is stuck in the U.K. in the years with no discernible summer.

Gas (petrol) prices
Everyone’s complaining about gas prices in the U.S. but they’re not quite as steep as in the U.K.  (The U.S. average is currently $3.50 per gallon, compared to $5.50 in the UK.) Like many expats, when I go back to Blighty, I spend most of my time racing around the country visiting friends and family. Unless I can get some sort of internet deal, trains are prohibitively expensive for a family of five. It used to be far more cost effective to rent a car and get around like that, but I now find myself pricing out the mileage and fuel prices for comparison with flying and railing. And when I do fill the car up, I literally stand with my jaw on my chest watching the price on the pump.

Binge-drinking
I live in Chicago where there are many bars and much drinking; indeed I complain loudly about the “rebel-rousers” who think nothing of shouting and singing at high decibels right outside my bedroom window at two in the morning. However, although binge-drinking is rumored to be alive and well on college campuses here, there just isn’t the weekly scene of young adults puking their guts up on street corners, getting into fights, ending up in emergency rooms and generally placing a huge strain on police and hospital resources. Yup, I don’t miss that drink-till-you-can’t-stand-up mentality.

Pay toilet 
I won’t miss having to take out a second mortgage to use public loos. OK, this one only registers when I’m at places like Waterloo Station in London. As a child, I can remember the penny slots in the doors of the local park loos, and paying 20p these days isn’t too bad, but when it’s 50p or more, you have three kids and you have to go through a turnstile and thus pay per person, it gets a tad expensive. (Even if you’re a parent with only one child who needs to go, you often have to take them all in, the alternative being to leave them on their own while you accompany the desperate child to the loo.)

BTW, if you’re looking for free public facilities in and around London, here’s the official government web site, complete with prices.

Sausage rolls
OK, liar liar, pants on fire, I love sausage rolls but am very glad they’re not readily available in the U.S. or I’d be the size of a house. Ditto pork pies, Scotch eggs and most varieties of Walkers crisps.

What don’t you miss?

Prom can be a magical night, just ask Napoleon Dynamite. (Fox Searchlight)

First things first, I’m not talking about the musical Proms we all know and love in the U.K., I’m talking about the fancy parties that mark the end of the academic school year. In the last decade, proms have become almost de rigueur in the U.K. with about 85% of schools reporting some kind of event. Spray tans, expensive outfits and fancy hairdos abound; and that’s just the boys. Gone are the end-of-term discos with one pathetic disco ball, a fully lit gym and teachers with rulers measuring the distance between male and female slow dancers.

Prom in the U.S. is a very big deal in most schools. Typically, the students (not “pupils”) don formal wear, the guys coordinating their colors with the girls’ dresses. Guys will also buy their date a corsage, which is a large flower/bracelet, and will wear a matching boutonnière (often pronounced “bootoneer”). Before the actual prom event, there are often pre-prom parties at private houses, then formal photographs taken at yet another venue. Some parents also hire their own photographer to take photos of the student and family. As a Brit in the U.S., it’s very easy not to fully appreciate the importance of these traditions, so my advice is to let your child guide you or talk to other parents as to what you should be doing. Obviously, as you’ll be a complete newbie, your child may attempt to have you pay through the nose for things that aren’t necessarily traditional, so keep your wits about you!

Many schools elect a prom king and queen, usually voted in by the students themselves. This used to be a plain old popularity/beauty contest, but apparently there’s a lot more to being crowned these days. Kids need sparkling teeth, of course, combined with excellent grades, a couple of extra-curricular activities, demonstrated leadership qualities and a good attitude. “To become a prom queen is the secret dream of every girl. But it takes years of excellent conduct, hard work and efforts on personality development that will make you great prom queen material in your school,” according to BizyMoms.com. (Gulp – no pressure there.) They must first be nominated then seconded by their peers, and then they start campaigning. Back in the day, this might have meant sucking up to a few people that you’d normally walk straight past, but these days, kids are being advised to take to the internet, as well as handing out candy and putting up posters. This is serious business, people.

Large gatherings of hyped-up 17- and 18-year-olds often spell trouble, so many schools have very strict rules and regulations regarding prom attendance. Students who roll up intoxicated aren’t allowed in, no one is allowed to leave and then return, and anyone trying to get in an hour or two after the start of prom will also be turned away. Prom lockdowns are becoming more common, whereby, rather than getting up to mischief at unchaperoned after-prom parties, the students stay overnight at the school or prom venue and are not allowed to leave before morning; literally locked into the building. Indeed, the growing popularity of these programs (possibly not with students but definitely with parents) means a whole new business sector is emerging — that of prom lock-down consultants, who will not only chaperone your energetic students, but provide entertainment ranging from trampolines, volleyball games, video arcades, DJs and the like. The sky’s the limit really.

And in case you’re a parent who’s new to this whole prom thing, according to a recent Visa study, the average cost to a family is $1,078. Apart from the dress or tux rental, the prom ticket itself will set you back around $100. Then there’s transportation, photography and after-prom celebrations. As they say over here, “Cha-ching!”

You start ordering your beer by the bucket. (Miller’s)

Have you always assumed you’d return to the homeland when the timing was right? Take note: many expats love their new American life so much they decide to stay put. Read on to find out if you’re one of them.

1. Americans are your new best friends
You rarely call the few Brits whose faded names are still on your Rolodex or defunct UK mobile, and the Christmas cards on top of your pile won’t require airmail delivery. That’s because your closest confidants – the people you’d let babysit your kids or bail you out of jail – are the folks you met since moving to the U.S.

2. You married an American
If him or her indoors is a Yank then chances are you’ll be here for as long as the relationship lasts. I’m in an optimistic mood so let’s say that’s forever. You’ll buy an American house, have American kids and invest in an American pet that, decades later, stubbornly refuses to die. For one reason or another, you’ll never find yourself in a position to make that big move back home.

3. You called your child Chuck, Chase or Chad
Should you decide to burden your anchor babies with classically American first names, you’re probably best off staying in the U.S. Move back to Britain and your kids’ new classmates will throw rocks and point.

4. Your same job back home would pay less
Possibly your top reason for moving stateside was to take an American company up of its offer of a great position. If swapping to the equivalent British role means cashing a slimmer check every month then you have very little incentive to repatriate.

5. You’ve started understanding – and enjoying – American football
Oh, the horror! And when you say “football” you no longer mean soccer. You wouldn’t dare mention this to other Brits but you’re starting to think that perhaps rugby players should wear padding.

6. You’re friendly to strangers
You’ll know you’ve morphed into an American when you have the urge to speak to people you’ve never met before. And by this I mean you’ll want to say something pleasant and unprompted, not remind someone to move forward in a queue or meekly request that their child stop kicking the back of your seat.

7. You miss major events back home without even realizing it
Did the FA Cup final pass you by unnoticed? After the last election, did you not even know there’d been one? “That Tony Blair looks younger than I remember him,” you thought, glimpsing David Cameron for the first time.

8. You think in Fahrenheit and cups
If you can’t remember the last time you worried about the weather in Celsius or your weight in stones then, sorry to say, you’re an ex-Brit. Measure yourself a consoling cup of tea.

9. You crave Bud and Miller Lite
Is beer that tastes like insect urine starting to appeal? Do you want your under-sized pint of stout or ale served in a frosted glass? If you answered yes to both of these then I doubt you’ll be taking up residence in your country of origin anytime soon.

10. You speak and spell in American
Has the letter “z” becomes a regular character – rather than occasional interloper – in your scribblings? It’s time to admit that you’re more American than British. If you also say, “I’m good” instead of “I’m very well” then the metamorphosis is complete.