The Latest from Anglophenia
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Like all reputable publications and web sites, we here at Mind the Gap, have a few predictions for the coming year.
Grammar snobs and lexicographers in the U.K. will demand a ban on American words that creep into British usage. Much like the French ban English words, the grammar police will insist that Brits only be allowed to use Americanisms “if mentioning them is of key importance for the event that is being reported.” Unfortunately, since many Americanisms derive from ye olde English, a commission must be set up to establish just how many words are due for the chop and exactly how much it will cost to de-program the entire nation. Since most Brits like American TV shows and had neither noticed nor cared that they were all speaking American, the exact point of the commission will be questioned by many.
In a blatant act of retaliation, American grammarians will call upon their fellow country men to take similar action here. Anyone caught using phrases like “Bob’s your uncle” or words like “fortnight” will have the letter E (for educated elitist) branded on their forehead and be sentenced to two years’ shopping at Walmart.
Census takers will discover that Brits are actually the biggest demographic in certain parts of Florida. Flush with their new sense of importance to Florida’s economy, FL Brits will immediately rip out all fake “pubs” and install a real pub on every main street and strip mall, complete with sticky carpets, rickety dart boards and Monday night bingo. Simon Cowell, sensing the demise of American Idol, will leap on this potential cash cow and set up a massive franchise business for Anglophiles who’ve “always dreamed of running a Briddish pub”. Leaping ahead a little, in 2016, Florida will be eligible to petition for European Union membership and, more importantly, will be able to compete in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Jumping on the translation app bandwagon, tech companies will race to bring an accent app to market, allowing Americans to masquerade as Brits, and vice versa. No more painful Dick van Dyke renditions. American males, for example, will be able to choose between Stephen Fry, David Tennant and any member of One Direction; females will have Judi Dench, Adele and Michelle Dockery (doing her Lady Mary voice) as their options. Once the choice is made, users will simply speak into the device to get an accurate audio of how it should sound. They can then choose to practice and deliver the words themselves or lip-synch to the audio coming from a tiny speaker secreted snugly up the left nostril.
And, keeping the weightiest matter till the end, the Beckhams will officially announce their move back to the U.S. at the end of the school year. Tired of having the mick taken out of his falsetto voice, the power couple will make the move back to their spiritual home even though Posh has always insisted she never thinks about his voice. For her part, Posh will welcome the move to a place where she is taken far more seriously because of her innate fashion sense and ability to keep a serious pout going at all times. And because “no one calls me Posh there”.
What are you looking forward to in 2014?