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Men, it is time to put down your secret shame. Today we stand as one proud gender and leave behind the hobbling weight of public expectation that sees Idris Elba venerated as the finest example of masculinity that could ever walk the earth, and try to piece together our shattered selves, so that we can try and provide some kind of love and comfort for the people that need us most.
It is time to stop apologizing for not being Idris Elba, and start being ourselves, no matter how much the pain of our Idrislessness may burn.
Let us be thankful to the Twitter poet @Nova_isig (who appears to have shut his account down), for setting the ball rolling with this thoughtful summation of his own non-Elba-tage:
Which has prompted a glut of confessions across Twitter (trending globally, no less!) from men who no longer wish to live in the shadow of Stringer Bell from The Wire (or possibly Luther, from Luther).
Ladies, feast yourselves…
Idris Elba didn’t sit through Les Miserables with you and watch Russell Crowe sing like Rick Astley for 2 hours, that was me
— Senior Project Pat (@BoyNamedTawanda) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba didn’t buy you that $7 popcorn & $4 skittles at the movies knowing damn well we was going to dinner afterwards…I did… — Wolf Reynolds 2.0 (@Geechie_Ferelli) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba didn’t let you turn his birthday party into mostly your friends hanging out at his house. I did. — Michael Felder (@InTheBleachers) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba aint play cliffhanger on the corner of the bed last night because you sleep like a wild boar. I did.
— International Bauce (@ItsTheBAUCE) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba didn’t fake like the food poisoning from your recipe experiment was just a virus. I did.
— W.E.B.B.I.E DuBois (@fivefifths) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba didn’t show your mama how to download books on her Kindle I did — Hambone (@Menphyel7) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba dont help look for your phone when its in your damn purse as usual
— Andre (@rgtrey3) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba also didn’t go back to the club the next day on his lunch break when you forgot that charger & needed it at work.
— Michael Felder (@InTheBleachers) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba ain’t let you lay on his arm all night until he couldn’t feel his rotator cuff. Who did that? THIS GUY. — Freako Suave (@BoptimusPrime) February 18, 2014
And my personal favorite:
Idris Elba ain’t secretly check your phone text messages while you were in the shower. I did! And who the hell is David?
— Childless Gambino (@rodimusprime) February 18, 2014
Idris Elba didn’t write this blog post to emancipate mankind. That was me.
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See more posts by Fraser McAlpine
Fraser has been writing and broadcasting about music and popular culture for over 15 years, first at the Top of the Pops website, and most recently for the NME, Guardian and MSN. He also wrote BBC Radio 1's Chart Blog and reviews albums for BBC Radio 2.
He is Anglophenia's current resident Brit, blogging about British slang and running around the Mall taking snaps of the crowd at the Royal Wedding, as well as reigniting a childhood passion for classic Doctor Who and cramming as much music in as he can manage.
Fraser invites you to join him on Twitter: @csi_popmusic