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Being a parent is hard work. There’s no way to prepare for the crushing weight of responsibility that suddenly descends, a feeling that the magnetic poles of your life have suddenly shifted, so that you’re no longer the most important person in your own heart, and that no matter how much you may demand sleep, or a bath, or a few moments with a good book, there is someone in your life who can out-tantrum you and does not care whether you like it or not.
And if you’re not careful, the transition from pre-parenthood to parenthood can poison your relationships with other people. Your precious little bundle saps at your reserves of patience, so naturally you get snappy and rude. And your judgement becomes less objective, to the extent that the the world is suddenly divided into People Who Are Nice To Your Kids and Totally Awful Creeps, and woe betide anyone from the latter camp who picks a fight with anyone in the former.
This is the distorting lens through which we should view the latest in a long line on intemperate spats between Sir Elton John and Madonna. Sir Elton is a father now, and was never really blessed with oceanic reserves of patience in the first place, so of course as soon as there was the slightest hint of frostiness between Madge and Lady Gaga (the godmother to Elton’s son Zachary, let us not forget), all of that repressed anger and held-back petulance just came flooding out.
It all began in this interview for Australian TV’s Channel 7 with the broadcasting legend Molly Meldrum, in which talk turned to Madonna and her recent activities: “She is such a nightmare,” fumes Sir Elt “Her career’s over, I can tell you that. Her tour’s been a disaster and it couldn’t happen to a bigger c***.”
Yeah. I know. That’s classic sleep-deprivation rage if ever I saw it.
He continued: “If Madonna had any common sense she would have made a record like ’Ray Of Light’ and stayed away from the dance stuff and just been a great pop singer and make great pop records, which she does brilliantly.”
That’s right, because “Ray of Light” isn’t remotely a dance record. Oh how your sense of reason goes after the first thirty nappies. Still, he’s showing some kind of appreciation there and that’s not to be sniffed at.
Although, compared to his glowing praise for diligent godmother Lady Gaga, who Madonna has apparently been “so horrible” to, it still looks grumpy: “She’s amazing. Wherever she is in the world, she sends texts saying how is he, she comes and bathes him, she sings to him.”
But has Madonna bathed Zachary? No she has not. She’s been off having her own vile brood. It is almost as if she doesn’t want to be part of that child’s life. Which means she’s clearly insane, and ripe for taking down a peg or two. Right, Sir Elton?
“She looks like a fucking fairground stripper.”