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"Barbecue - a long line of plastic dolls"
As it’s President’s Day, we’re not going to try and cram any of that fancy book learning into your holiday-addled minds, our holiday-addled minds couldn’t take the pressure. So here’s a brief sample of the finest lexicography work to come out of the BBC Radio 4 comedy show I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, namely the Uxbridge English Dictionary.
The premise is simple: pick a word and offer an alterative, punning definition for it, based on the syllables within.
SO, abominable ceases to be an adjective, with a similar meaning to disgusting, and is instead defined as a verb, meaning to initate the countdown timer on an explosive device. A bomb enable. See?
Here are a few more (taken from A-H, just IMAGINE the delights on offer in the rest of the alphabet):
Adultery: What happens after puberty.
Allocate: Greeting for example, to Ms Winslet.
Alternative: To modify a member of the indigenous population.
Boycott: A small bed for a male child.
Bratwurst: The very naughtiest of children.
Britanny: A bit like Britain.
Brouhaha: A hilarious drink.
Buckingham: A rodeo pig.
Busking: Owner of many buses.
Canopy: Tin of urine.
Capitulate: The mistake BP made in the Gulf of Mexico.
Car Park: How Noah saved the fishes from the great flood.
Castanet: To go fishing.
Depend: Opposite the shallow end.
Dialogue: An awful piece of wood.
Dialysis: To ring your sister.
Dreadlocks: Fear of canal holidays.
Endear: This is where it stops.
Escalator: An Australian word meaning to delay the questioning of a lady.
Example: Much thinner.
Exorbitant: The now retired first insect astronaut.
Extractor fan: One who used to like farm machinery.
Farthing: Something a long way off.
Fauna: A whirlpool bath for young deer.
Feasible: Able to charge for.
Felicity: To knock London over.
Final: The last thing you hammer into a coffin.
Finish: A bit like a Finn
Giblets: Very small gibs.
Gladiator: An unrepentant cannibal.
Goblet: A very small mouth.
Godspeed: It’s raining.
Grandstand: A shelf designed to display a large quantity of money.
Grapple: A cross between a grape and an apple.
Gregorian: Someone unsure of his name.
Hamstring: Underwear for pigs.
Handicap: A very useful hat.
Herbivore: An animal that only eats Volkswagon Beetles.
Hollyhock: The act of pawning Christmas decorations.
And of course you can always make your own up. It’s not hard! Put them here:
6 Comments
I should not have read this in a public libary–it’s hilarious!
I’m glad there’s a lot of conversations going on in web so my teacher doesn’t know what’s going on!
Too funny…Really Fraser, How did you even finish this–without cracking up ?
Years of intensive training, that is. I’m like the Kung-Fu Panda of not laughing.
Copper Nitrate – Pay scale for police officers working during the hours of darkness.
Balderdash -A race for the folically challenged.
Inquest -A search for pubs.
Charming – Fire damage to an oriental vase.
Fraser you deserve to serve a long sentence in the punitentiary