"Barbecue - a long line of plastic dolls"

As it’s President’s Day, we’re not going to try and cram any of that fancy book learning into your holiday-addled minds, our holiday-addled minds couldn’t take the pressure. So here’s a brief sample of the finest lexicography work to come out of the BBC Radio 4 comedy show I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue, namely the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

The premise is simple: pick a word and offer an alterative, punning definition for it, based on the syllables within.

SO, abominable ceases to be an adjective, with a similar meaning to disgusting, and is instead defined as a verb, meaning to initate the countdown timer on an explosive device. A bomb enable. See?

Here are a few more (taken from A-H, just IMAGINE the delights on offer in the rest of the alphabet):

Adultery: What happens after puberty.

Allocate: Greeting for example, to Ms Winslet.

Alternative: To modify a member of the indigenous population.

Boycott: A small bed for a male child.

Bratwurst: The very naughtiest of children.

Britanny: A bit like Britain.

Brouhaha: A hilarious drink.

Buckingham: A rodeo pig.

Busking: Owner of many buses.

Canopy: Tin of urine.

Capitulate: The mistake BP made in the Gulf of Mexico.

Car Park: How Noah saved the fishes from the great flood.

Castanet: To go fishing.

Depend: Opposite the shallow end.

Dialogue: An awful piece of wood.

Dialysis: To ring your sister.

Dreadlocks: Fear of canal holidays.

Endear: This is where it stops.

Escalator: An Australian word meaning to delay the questioning of a lady.

Example: Much thinner.

Exorbitant: The now retired first insect astronaut.

Extractor fan: One who used to like farm machinery.

Farthing: Something a long way off.

Fauna: A whirlpool bath for young deer.

Feasible: Able to charge for.

Felicity: To knock London over.

Final: The last thing you hammer into a coffin.

Finish: A bit like a Finn

Giblets: Very small gibs.

Gladiator: An unrepentant cannibal.

Goblet: A very small mouth.

Godspeed: It’s raining.

Grandstand: A shelf designed to display a large quantity of money.

Grapple: A cross between a grape and an apple.

Gregorian: Someone unsure of his name.

Hamstring: Underwear for pigs.

Handicap: A very useful hat.

Herbivore: An animal that only eats Volkswagon Beetles.

Hollyhock: The act of pawning Christmas decorations.

And of course you can always make your own up. It’s not hard! Put them here:

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Filed Under: Fraser's Phrases
By Fraser McAlpine