As with all of our How To Dress Like… features thus far, the key to getting the essence of the Patsy outfit is to try and understand why she chooses to dress the way she does, and select your items of clothing accordingly.
So, while her best mate Edina wears the loudest, gaudiest example of whatever the current fashion may be, Patsy is far more stylish. She stays true to the staple items that have always served her well. And over the course of the next few photos, we’ll have a look at what they are, and what they do. Ready? Let’s go!
1: Hair – Blonde and in a beehive. Nice straight bangs at the front, some sign of roots poking through at the scalp. Classic blonde rock chick hair which makes her look taller, like a drunken swan.
2: Makeup – Nothing natural or minimalist about Patsy. You’ll need to emphasize the eyes, the cheekbones, and the lips, forming an impenetrable power mask that only opens up for two things: booze and cigarettes..
3: Accessories – Shades. shades, and more shades. Plus a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Never let these items stray too far from your grasp and you will be just fine.
4: Jacket – Something very chic and fitted. Patsy’s look is based on the best bits of mid-’60s female fashion (the mini-skirts and primary colors) ‘updated’ with classic touches from the ’70s and some ’80s shoulder pads for good measure. If you can picture Jerry Hall or Anita Pallenberg (at their most imperious) wearing something, Patsy probably will too. Oh, and remember, these are her work clothes, nothing too informal.
5: Blouse – Again, what we’re after is something classic and not too easily dateable. The most straightforward Patsy wears all one colour and keeps it either all black or all white, or possibly gold, or animal-skin patterned, rather than risk some voguish creation which will date as badly as, well, the outfit in this picture, for example. Keep it simple, stupid.
6: Skirt – You’re power dressing, and if you’re Patsy, you’ve got great legs, which you will show off at every opportunity because it intimidates everyone. So, the skirts on your business suit are short and fitted. And if you go for the pants suit instead, it’s a flattering cut, all flowing lines. Remember the drunken swan? Well now she’s a flamingo too.
7: Shoes – pointed toes, high heels, something that looks lethal and is perfect for tottering on, as you weave your way down the street looking cross.
8: Jewelery – Ignore Edina’s trendy rope gold or spiritual gubbins, Patsy wears understated gold jewellery: small hoop earrings, a tasteful necklace, the odd plain ring. Nothing too ostentatious or attention-grabbing. She saves that for her personality.
Congratulations! If you’ve followed these simple instructions, and have mastered the art of sounding simultaneously posh, mannish and witheringly scornful, you’re an almost perfect Patsy. Come back tomorrow and we’ll make an Edina out of you yet.
Fraser is a British writer, broadcaster and the the author of the book Stuff Brits Like. He is Anglophenia's resident Brit blogger, having written BBC Radio 1's Chart Blog, the Top of the Pops website, and for NME, the Guardian and elsewhere. Favorite topics include slang, Doctor Who and cramming as much music into Anglophenia as he can manage. He invites you to join him on Twitter: @csi_popmusic