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The Six Bonds

We all love a good hypothetical, don’t we? What would happen if the TARDIS’s chameleon circuit had become stuck in the shape of a dalek? What if Harry Potter was Sirius Black’s secret love-child? What if Peter Parker had been bitten by a poisonous radioactive spider?*

So, let’s play a game, based on the comments recently given by Sir Roger Moore, the third actor to play James Bond in the movies, about his fellow 007s. He didn’t like the product placement and winding plot of Quantum of Solace, which he felt was “like a long, disjointed commercial,” and he’s not really a fan of Sean Connery either. Speaking to the Cambridge University Union, he said: “Sean is a good actor, it’s a pity I can’t understand what he’s saying.”

Which is, of course, fighting talk. But, should such a fight actually take place, which of the six actors who have played 007 in the movies would ultimately win, if they were somehow able to duke it out fairly?

You’ve got Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig.

Let’s assume they’re all at their peak of physical fitness, and well skilled in using the gadgets of their age. And being James Bond, all of them will have had to do some serious fighting in their time, so they should be fairly good at it.

So, picture the scene. A Roman amphitheatre, with a broadly hexagonal layout. One Bond in each corner, smirking or glowering, dependant on who it is and what kind of mood they are in. A klaxon sounds, and the battle is on. But who will win?

Assuming there is no monkey business with poisoned darts, overpowering the guards, making an escape and blowing the whole place up, I’m saying Moore and Brosnan will go down first. Too keen to preserve (respectively) their dignity and their looks to really engage, and always fiddling in their pockets for a pen grenade. Those smug one-liners will only infuriate the others, and make them fight harder, so they’re both doomed from the off.

Lazenby is clearly a scrapper, but he’s up against the street-brawling Connery, the brick outhouse Craig, and the slightly psychotic Dalton. There is no way he can win. He goes down next, covered in Timothy-shaped bite marks.

This leaves two evenly-matched suave thugs and one gentleman despot who spits when he shouts. If Connery and Craig join forces, they could easily overpower Dalton, but he’s too wily to let them get too close. I’m guessing he’ll have some kind of muscle-relaxant dispenser embedded into his cufflinks, and with a sweep of two outstretched arms, partially stuns both men.

Of course, this is a far from satisfactory end to the battle, as the two noble savages struggle to regain their footing while Dalton cackles madly. Bonds never win at first, and Timothy would do well to remember this.

Connery is first to his feet, and lumbers at Dalton with his arms up, ready to bear hug him to the ground. Dalton is ready for this, and zaps him with an electric handkerchief, but he suddenly realizes he’s been turned around so that Craig is behind him. Too late, he spots that Daniel was only pretending to be stunned, and is knocked out cold by a haymaker to the jaw.

This just leaves Connery and Craig, who abandon all gadgetry and settle down to a long bout of punching each other in the face. Again and again the blows rain down, with neither man showing the slightest inclination to collapse.

Eventually everyone gets bored and goes home, and Connery and Craig realise they’ve got a raging thirst, so they go to the pub, where they get into a fight with a paparazzi photographer, and throw his camera in the river.

That is how I think it would go. Am I wrong?

* He would die.

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Filed Under: James Bond
By Fraser McAlpine