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Susan Boyle is finally getting a taste of how dirty and vicious her industry of choice can be. Embarrassing tapes are emerging of the 47-year-old “spinster,” and the man who stands to make millions from Boyle, Simon Cowell, showed he has no qualms about throwing his cash cow under the bus. Speaking to reporters in Los Angeles, Cowell said:

“She has got four weeks to prepare for the biggest night of her life, and she has got to sing better than she sang before with all those expectations on her. But it could all go horribly wrong for her because there are so many other distractions…

“Get yourself together sweetheart for the big one – the semi-final. Shut the door, choose the right song, and come back as who you are, not who you want to be,” he said.

Oh Lord. Poor Susan. She’s put out there for ridicule because of her looks, and when she wants to glam it up a bit, she gets condescended to. It’s not like she’s out there boozing and showing her hoo-hah at the Mahiki nightclub every night of the week with the likes of Kate Moss and Prince Harry. She just wants to look nice and bask in her newfound fame while she still has it.

In Friday’s New York Times, Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron wrote an op-ed piece and provided Ms. Boyle with two words of advice: “Run away.” Wise guy, that Bergeron.

Meanwhile, actress Samantha Morton has revealed that she was arrested for threatening to kill a girl when she was a teenager. Morton, who has directed a film loosely based on her experiences as a child in a care home, told The Guardian‘s Simon Hattenstone, “There was a riot in the home, a fire, it was like a mini Strangeways. The police were already there, and I’d been tripping and was still a bit out of it. I threatened to kill the girl and picked up a knife. I didn’t touch her – wouldn’t have touched her – but the police restrained me and then arrested me. I was locked in a cell for three days. It was terrible. I just sat there thinking, I don’t want this life – I’m not a petty criminal, I’m not a thug. But that’s how they were treating me, understandably. I was so ashamed of myself.”

The BAFTA TV Awards were held yesterday, and Anna Maxwell Martin defeated EastEnders star June Brown to take home her second trophy in the Best Actress category. She’d previously won for Bleak House, and this year, she was recognized for her performance as a mental patient in the drama, Poppy Shakespeare. BBC AMERICA winners included David Mitchell as Best Comedy Performance for his role in Peep Show and Skins, which won the Audience Award.

Oh, and this just in: Monty Python member Terry Jones has knocked up a 26-year-old.

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By Kevin Wicks
Kevin Wicks is the founding editor of Anglophenia.