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Not even the Claymates were this impassioned: within this past week, The Cult of Susan Boyle has sprung up on these Internets. Just check the comments on any article or blog post that even appears critical of the Scottish Britain’s Got Talent contestant. Say something bad about Ms. Boyle, and there is major hell to pay. I almost fear for the safety of my firstborn by saying I didn’t cry when I watched the clip.

Not that we should all stoop to the sneering cynicism of The New York Post‘s Maureen Callahan, who says essentially nothing in her grandstanding column, “Why Is No One Suspicious of Simon Cowell’s Latest Creation?” It’s not wrong to have a pure response to Susan Boyle’s very real talent, and she did move many people around the world. However, my eyes remained totally dry when I watched the clip, and that’s perfectly fine too. Maybe I would have shed a tear, but I was more annoyed by those embarrassing loudmouths Ant and Dec bursting in with their obnoxious commentary and the silly, mawkish score that plays behind Ms. Boyle as she triumphantly receives the judges’ approval. It was almost as if the Britain’s Got Talent producers didn’t think her talent was enough; they had to trump things up with Rocky-esque pyrotechnics. You’re not sobbing yet? Feel something, you heartless bastards!

The Guardian compares Boyle to the “Numa Numa Kid,” the last big YouTube sensation. Does this mean we can expect Rihanna and T.I. to sample “I Dreamed a Dream” for their next duet?

Meanwhile, Stephen Hawking is “very ill” and J.G. Ballard is dead. I wanna see CNN cover that on their “Breaking News.”

Also: Barbecue forces Morrissey off stage at Coachella.

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Filed Under: Ant and Dec, Susan Boyle
By Kevin Wicks
Kevin Wicks is the founding editor of Anglophenia.