Heather Mills’ Campaign For Public Sympathy Begins

A colleague sent me an email titled “A gift for you,” and added, “How perfect was Heather Mills‘ score? 666, obviously.”

In spite of her poor reputation, Heather Mills foxtrotted into America’s hearts last night, earning mostly praise from the judges. Her intro piece billed her as a human rights campaigner and charity worker, and naturally, there was absolutely no mention of McCartneys, Middle Eastern brothels, sex instruction manuals, or stolen identities. Of course, she looked ridiculous in that purple and yellow hag-rag (she said she felt like an “ice cream sundae”), but everyone looks garish and horrible on Dancing With the Stars. The leg stayed on, much to the disappointment of many online gamblers. The studio audience even rose to its feet after Heather and partner Jonathan Roberts performed their triumphant foxtrot. Sadly, nothing was quite as disastrous as Victoria Newton would have hoped. I said to myself as I watched, “You know, she just might actually stay in this for a while.”

Just to make sure everything’s not all bunnies and ballet slippers, The Daily Mail has uncovered a “viewer backlash” at ABC’s web site from “angry Beatles fans” who are plotting Heather’s ouster:

Although she drew plaudits from the judges on TV, many viewers were not as generous.

Nonie823 declared: “She looked as wooden as her leg, so get rid of her.”

Olive71 said: “Heather is a disgrace – not sure how she rates to be on Dancing With The Stars.

She is a nobody and only became a somebody when she married the best Rock Musician, Paul. America, boot her off.”

Mikesnf wrote: “Let’s all plot to get rid of this woman.

“I’m not watching the show nor will I be until she’s gone … I’ll vote like crazy to get rid of Heather Mills.”

See, I doubt most Americans even know who she is, really. Her divorce with Paul McCartney has certainly made big news in the UK, but in a country obsessed with Britney, Lindsay, and Anna Nicole, she’ll hardly register. I’m sure many Americans will come to be touched because of her perceived perseverance. But you’d better believe the American media will pounce hard if she makes it past the first few eliminations and her wild-eyed determination stops being courageous and starts becoming just plain scary.

In other news:

• Stephen Fry says American audiences are “fooled” by British actors’ accents, “detecting a brilliance that may not really be there…I mean, would they notice if Jeremy Irons or Judi Dench gave a bad performance? Not that those two paragons ever would, but it’s worth considering.”(BBC)
• Victoria Newton frets about the health of Robbie Williams and Amy Winehouse.
• Winehouse is now big enough to have her tour rider demands (No STELLA ARTOIS BEER! Only QUALITY pizza!) posted on The Smoking Gun.
• Beware – photo is NSFW: Sienna Miller says her sex scene with Hayden Christensen in Factory Girl was 100% acting. “There’s a name for people who actually do have sex on film and get paid for it, but I’m not that kind of actor and neither is Hayden.”
• Justin Hawkins pulls a race card to explain away his Eurovision defeat.
  (The Sun)
• P. Diddy will fly in for Coleen McLoughlin‘s 21st birthday in Dublin.
  (The Sun)
• More coverage of Naomi Campbell‘s cleaning couture from The Sun and Gawker.
• Is a famous children’s TV host a big, big perv or is he just happy to see you? (The Sun)
• Nadine Coyle is angling for a ring from boyfriend Jesse Metcalfe.
  (Daily Mail)
• Fired X-Factor judge Louis Walsh has been snapped up by the competition.(Mirror)
• According to a survey, most Brits survive off of a diet comprised of four staples: spaghetti bolognese, sausage and mash, chicken tikka masala, and chilli con carne. Quite the international cuisine, that.(Guardian)
• Arctic Monkeys‘ Alex Turner jokes off speculation that the band will collaborate with Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud. BTW, have you heard the Monkeys’ version of “Love Machine”? It sucks.
• The Times newspaper is being sued for copyright infringement for giving away an unauthorized free Jimi Hendrix CD with their Sunday paper.(Guardian)
• Last King of Scotland director Kevin Macdonald has signed on to helm the film remake of State of Play, which stars Brad Pitt.(Guardian)
• Who should play Margaret Thatcher in the film version of her life? Is Richard Griffiths too young and attractive?(Guardian)
• Simon Cowell and the makers of Footballers Wive$ are producing a drama about – what else? – a judge of a TV talent show. Steve Coogan will play the Cowell role, it is rumored.
• Extras will end with a special, one-off finale episode.(Digital Spy)
• Muriel Gray, chair of the The Orange Broadband Prize for female writers, said the nominees this year generally “focused too narrowly on their own lives and personal issues.” The Independent asks, “Do female writers lack imagination?”