Heather Mills McCartney Confirmed For “Dancing With the Stars”

My friend Mia IM’d me this morning, simply asking, How the hell is she gonna do the Paso Doble? We’ll certainly see, my friend, because it is confirmed: Heather Mills McCartney will hoof it in the next season of Dancing With the Stars. Former contestant Jerry Springer made the announcement on this morning’s Good Morning America, adding, “There’s a lot of message in that because it’s to show people whatever challenges they face in life they can dance. She might be a sentimental favorite.” Oh really, Mr. Springer? Not if reports continue to surface about Mrs. McCartney talking smack about her Beatle husband: sources say that, in the heated custody battle over daughter Beatrice, Heather will claim that Paul McCartney was such a bad father that he drove two of his children to “contemplate suicide.” Also, word is she plans to lampoon her former in-laws in a comic strip titled The McFartneys:

According to the Sunday Mirror, the cartoon will see Macca parodied as a Homer Simpson-like character who does nothing but smoke pot and fart the whole day.

As for Macca’s kids, well, it seems that Mills is getting set to portray his son James as a son who hates his father and avoids him at all as much as possible. [sic]

Macca’s designer daughter Stella is portrayed as a spoilt [sic] brat, who turns to her father every time someone upsets her. She’s also shown as being jealous of her father’s new wife and spends hours trying to undermine her.

Yeah, that’ll certainly endear her to the American public.

Comedian Graham Norton has become quite the cultural commentator in UK publications, and in today’s Guardian, he makes a case for the Perez Hiltons of the world.

“I like the fact that there are no heroes any more – everyone is made human by the sheer amount of public interest in them. Recently we’ve seen loads of starlets in the back of a taxi with vomit down them and no knickers on. I was going to say we’ve all been there but I do normally wear pants. It’s very hard to idolize people when you’ve seen them in that state, and in a way that’s good.”

Reading the comments section below Graham’s post, you see that his statements didn’t go over so well. Oh well. At least your new blond pompadour looks suitably vibrant and erect, Mr. Norton.

Like, how late are we?: on Sunday, Congratulations to Tamsin Greig, who won the Olivier award, the UK equivalent to a Tony, for Best Actress for her role in Much Ado About Nothing. She’s certainly one of the most prolific performers on BBC AMERICA – having starred in Green Wing, Black Books, and Love Soup – and she’s funny as hell, but who knew she’d master the Bard? Watch your step, Dame Judi Dench.

In other news:

• Gordon Ramsay‘s mentor, Marco Pierre White, will take over Ramsay’s role as host of Hell’s Kitchen. Even after lobbing an insult at Gordon (“If someone doesn’t enrich my life, I don’t want them to be part of my life. He has nothing to contribute to it.”) White says this will be a kindler, gentler Hell’s Kitchen, if that isn’t an oxymoron: “My approach on Hell’s Kitchen will be about inspiring people and helping them, not belittling them and putting them down. When people talk about Hell’s Kitchen, one thing they never talk about is the food. One of the aspects of what we are going to do is to teach people how to cook.”
• The Guardian‘s Paul MacInnes asks, “Why do people hate Snow Patrol?” Uh, maybe because they suck? MacInnes goes on to ask why equally mushy bands like Razorlight, The Feeling, and Keane don’t inspire such ire from music fans. Uh, yeah they do – especially Razorlight. And don’t go hatin’ on Keane…Tim Rice-Oxley writes some amazing melodies.
• Tim Jonze meanwhile says Bloc Party has a real shot at being big in America.
• Hot Fuzz, Simon Pegg‘s follow up to Shaun of the Dead, is No. 1 at the UK box office. Is it me, or does Simon Pegg look really hot in a uniform?(Guardian)
• Will Prince Harry see action in Iraq? The decision will be made tomorrow, according to The Sun. Meanwhile, Tony Blair has announced a staggered plan to pull out of Iraq. Coincidence? You be the judge.
• An Atomic Kitten spits out her litter six weeks early.(The Sun)
• Jade Goody is moving from her Essex home because she fears she’ll face revenge attacks after her Celebrity Big Brother race scandal.(Mirror)